Improve Your Relationship with Marriage Counseling

Marriages take maintenance and go through seasons.  We will understand the 10 stages of relational maintenance in order to not only withstand but to grow through seasons of your marriage and make your relationship thrive.  Often, we find ourselves giving the rest of the world the best of us and our loved ones the rest of us.  The grass is greenest where you water it.

We will learn about the 4 most common causes of conflict and the 12 most common arguments married couples have in order to navigate them functionally.  Handling conflicts functionally and preventing conflicts from spiraling into gridlock adds strength to relationships.      

A lack conflict resolution skills leads to a predictable cycle that shortens over time.  Ultimately leading to resentment and contempt where Honeymoon is removed and couples are left with a Tension Build-Explosion cycle.  We will learn to mind the “rupture-repair” process to keep Honeymoon and Explosion as far away from each other as possible.     

Listening with the intent to understand is the key.  The Speaker/Listener technique is the best way to practice the skill of listening to understand.  We will also understand the different types of listening responses.  Including good listening habits and bad listening habits.   

Chemistry and compatibility are two different things.  Compatibility is malleable. Once you understand your partners needs you can make a more informed choice on whether or not you consider their needs “reasonable” or “not reasonable” to meet.  If you consider a large number of their needs “reasonable” and you attend to them you are compatible.

Resentment and contempt from emotional bankruptcy can lead to an overly negative perspective of your partner.  We will learn the skills to recover from contempt to appreciation.

Marriages that are successful build ways to connect with each other into their schedules and prioritize the relationship.  We often find ourselves giving the rest of the world the best of us and our loved one the rest of us.  Spending some time on “getting to know you” exercises is important for growth of emotional intimacy. 

If you want your partner to speak to you more in your love language you must speak to them more in their love language.  We often expect our partner to show us love in the same ways we show them love.

A healthy sex life in marriage is often facilitated by a better underlying emotional connection between partners.  Emotional connections are strengthened through a sense of balance and shared meaning in the marriage.

Every time marriages experience a negative (non-valuing) interaction 5 positive (valuing) experiences are wiped out of the emotional bank account.  Understanding the importance of maintaining your emotional bank account by giving and receiving bids (5-1) is critical to the communication climate and the long-term success of the marriage.  Intentionality is most important skill when trying to dig your marriage out of emotional bankruptcy.

Having your needs met is crucial and is a top cause of conflict in marriages.  All to often our partners are just as confused as we are about what our actual needs are.  The hurt and pain from unmet needs leads to criticism and conflict.  We will learn to verbalize our needs in a way that is receivable.

Early childhood experiences with our caregivers can predict how we will relate to or connect with others in our adult relationships.  Understanding your attachment style can shed some light on why we do what we do in conflict.

Just like there is a parts list to build and maintain a physical house there is a parts list to build and maintain an emotional house.  We will understand the importance of a strong foundation and the other components of a sound emotional house.

Your marriage is a system.  Couples react to and respond to each other’s dysfunction with dysfunction.  It is important for each person to know the dysfunction they bring that perpetuates the problems.  Strength is created through clarity.

Awareness must precede any change.  A critical part of healing is to own your areas of brokenness.  At the start of training, we will isolate each person’s deficiencies in skill in order to have more productive dialog and better outcomes during conflict.  We will learn to use more language of accountability than language of blame.

Confidence is gained by demonstrating ability.  Marriages suffer from feelings of hopelessness when progress cannot be made.  We start slow, methodically and build on gains.  It took your marriage a while to get where it is and it can take a while to get where you want it to be.

Areas of resentment are cauldrons that burn beneath the surface.  Resentments create a negative perspective that ultimately turns little aggravations into big arguments.  You will hurt your partner and they will hurt you. Acknowledging these past pains and making amends is often necessary before we can move on.

Infidelity can be devastating to a marriage.  After infidelity your relationship will go through the trauma phase/coming to terms phase/rebuilding phase.  We will learn what to expect and how to navigate these phases.  We will also learn to answer the questions created by infidelity in a way that can inspire and rebuild trust.  There are definitely no excuses for infidelity but we can understand the circumstances (mindset) that lead to the decisions/behaviors.  An affair is essentially the death of your first marriage.  The question is, do you want to start a second marriage with your spouse?  At times infidelity can bring about the changes needed for a languishing relationship to flourish.

We will learn the anatomy of an apology.  Apologies don’t work if the transgressions continue to happen.  The most important part of apologizing is making amends.. changing behavior.

We can learn all the skill in the world, but if we can’t regulate our emotions our skills training goes out the window.  Learning how to keep our nervous system regulated during hard to have conversations is the only pathway to successful conflict resolution.  We will learn the difference between our sympathetic nervous system and our parasympathetic nervous system.  Learning how to stay calm during difficult conversations and to listen with the intent of understanding is the key to a successful marriage.